The way we were

When I look back at my own childhood, I feel so bad for today's children. Below are a few things I enjoyed and took for granted as a child that today's children are denied.

Cartoons and other shows with no educational value
In the good ol' 1980s, children's entertainment remained largely unmolested by meddling lawmakers. Animated programs were nearly devoid of redeeming values or educational content, and their primary purpose was to sell toys, action figures, and advertisers' unhealthy products to impressionable youngsters. I didn't learn a goddamn thing while watching Thundercats, Bugs Bunny, You Can't Do That On Television, Garfield & Friends, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and as I got older, Animaniacs, Pinky & The Brain, and Batman: The Animated Series. I was simply entertained. Now practically every child-oriented TV show has to offer some sort of educational value. God forbid a child shut off his brain for a while and just relax with some wordplay, slapstick, and mild cartoon violence!

Educational shows that didn't suck shit through a straw
The preceding paragraph should not be construed to impugn all educational programming. Sesame Street was awesome, and at the time wasn't used as a substitute parent like it is now. Ditto for Mr. Rogers and that awesome Neighborhood of Make Believe. They engaged our imaginations without pandering. The trend of insipid, mindless pablum began with Barney the Douchebag Dinosaur. I can't bear to watch more than a minute of this thanks to the actors' exaggerated facial expressions and gestures. Then along came Blues Clues, with inane singalongs and terrible pacing. Dora the No Hablo Inglés Explorer didn't make things any better and subversively sought to fulfill the liberal agenda to make children more tolerant of non-English speakers under the guise of nurturing language skills.

Refined, processed snacks
Nothing was more abundant than sweet, sweet sugar. Sugary breakfast cereals, Kool-Aid, and Chips Ahoy were daily dietary staples for most of us. I eventually got around to eating a well-rounded diet as a result of merely being offered healthy foods but not being forced to eat them. Until then, I knew the joy of stuffing my face with sugar, and I'm perfectly fine today. Parents nowadays fear that if their precious offspring nibble so much as a single M&M, they'll never eat vegetables again and get diabetes or colon cancer at age 12.

Trick-or-treat
A recent discussion with my old school chum brought this to mind. In our day, we went out at dusk in cobbled-together costumes that included no more than $10 worth of accessories purchased solely for the costume. We got together with other children and someone's parents walked around with us as we went door-to-door, street by street, getting loads of tooth-rotting goodness from our neighbors. This is a dying custom these days. Parents are so paranoid about kidnappers and kids getting run over that they ditch the door-to-door custom altogether and take the little fatasses to some lame-ass event at a mall, community center, or church parking lot, in store-bought costumes that cost anywhere from $20-50. We earned our candy with our own footwork, hoofing it from house to house, taking in the fresh air on a crisp autumn night, interacting with neighbors, including the mildly creepy elderly people, and learned to cope with disappointment when handed crappy treats like raisins, apples, or pencils.

Toy guns
My brother and I used to play "Miami Vice" with our Uzi waterguns and pistols. They were solid black and didn't have those retarded orange plugs on them, and it was fine because people weren't so paranoid that they would think an 8-year-old would be toting a real submachine gun. Nowadays most parents think if their children so much as look at a gun, real or fake, they'll grow up to be serial killers. I guess today's busy parents can't be bothered to teach their children respect for human life, or basic gun safety for that matter.

Movies where the bad guy actually got killed
The last animated Disney film I can recall where the villain actually dies, at least implicitly, is The Lion King, in which Scar gets eaten alive. Think back—in The Little Mermaid, Ursula gets stabbed with a ship's bow. Oliver & Company—Sykes gets run over by a goddamn train. Great Mouse Detective—Ratigan falls down a fuckin' clock tower. Ever since Pocohontas, the bad guy receives some sort of punishment but doesn't actually die (the fate of Shadow Man in The Princess and the Frog is ambiguous—supposedly his soul is tormented forever in the afterlife).

Bicycles
I recently saw a commercial in which a pair of little girls pedal their pink Huffy bikes over to a friend's house for a sleepover. Such an image is just a portrayal of a fond memory. Do you know any child whose parents would allow her to get on a bike and ride off down the street? No way. Parents today think their children will be whisked away into a windowless van as soon as they leave the yard. The kids my wife nannies for don't even own bikes, or know how to ride. I rode my little red bike all up and down the street all by myself, and didn't wear stupid helmets or pads, either.

The front seat
Riding up front was a rare treat! The footwell was practically cavernous compared to the back seat, and the view through that big windshield damn near went on forever. You only got to ride up front when only one adult was in the car, and even then you had to take turns with siblings or friends. Oh, but not anymore. Legislation spurred on by whiny parents has outlawed the cherished privilege entirely and made it so you basically can't ride in the front seat until you're old enough to drive the fucking car yourself.

A world without social networking
When I was a pup, we talked with our friends face-to-face or on the home telephone. We didn't spend an hour or more every day writing e-mails, seeing who was doing what on Bookface, or maintaining mindless blogs that no one would ever read (*ahem*). The lack of social networking sites also meant we were free from the horrors of schoolyard taunts and gossip as soon as we were safe at home. Not anymore. Whatever schoolchildren these days say or do that's the least bit unacceptable to the arbiters of acceptability follows them home in the form of vitriolic messages on their social network pages and spiteful gossip spread through mass text messages.