Every now and then, the universe likes to remind me that I am its bitch, to be bought and sold for cartons of Kools.
For Christmas, I received a total of $450 in monetary instruments, in addition to other fine gifts. Not a bad haul. I had grand plans for this infusion of funds: gentle-manly garments, adornments for my auto-voiture, books, and household improvements. After the events of yesterday, these purchases must be postponed.
The first event I actually halfway expected to happen. My trusty Ford refused to start up yester-morn. It had sat idle outside the house for three days, and for the past few weeks had been hesitant to start. A call to AAA and an hour later, I was writing a check for $130 for a new battery and a new positive battery clamp (the old one had been practically disintegrated by leaking acid). I may have gotten screwed, but the brand was supposedly top of the line, plus it was very convenient to have it installed right there at my doorstep. The battery he removed was the brand AAA used to sell, and it had lasted 7 years, so I imagine they know their stuff when it comes to selecting products.
So off to work I went, my coffers $130 lighter. When I returned home in the evening, I let the dog out as usual and went into the living room, intending to sit down and view the Peanuts 1970s DVDs I had received, when what to my wandering eye should appear, but a torn-up candy wrapper on the sofa, oh dear. Our little 25-pound dog had eaten a good 4 ounces of dark chocolate. Off to the after-hours emergency vet she went for a forced vomiting and an overnight observation costing $657. Yes, there are three digits there and no decimal. Six-hundred fifty-seven and no/100 dollars. We decided it was worth the money not to risk her having an arrhythmia without immediate medical attention.
Ma and Pa helped out with the veterinary bill, but in total I dropped my entire Christmas monies plus $80 yesterday. Any New Year's Eve festivities, therefore, will have to be on the super-cheap. We may just go hang out with friends in Raleigh. No fabulous clothes beyond what the gift card will afford. No chrome side molding or Grand Marquis corner lights for Vicky. I had damn well better win something in the lottery this week.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Crappy Christmas Gifts
Before getting to the main subject matter of this post, I'll begin by being a boastful bastard: all my shopping for Annual Gift Exchange Day is complete. I will not be rushing out to a crowded mall or cluster-fucked shopping center competing with lower life forms for parking spaces a week before the big day. Nay, I shall be relaxing in my warm, cozy home all day on the 24th, enjoying my pretty tree and loafing about.
Now that my enviable good planning has been properly flaunted, on to today's topic. Most of us, either through our own or, in my case, a spouse's sense of obligation, have people on our gift list whom we rarely see or talk to, sometimes intentionally, but to whom we nonetheless feel obligated to give some trinket in the spirit of Annual Gift Exchange Day. I brought no such people into my marriage. I never give gifts to the various aunts, uncles, cousins, neighbors, friends of the family, co-workers, postmen, footmen, grocers, fishmongers, shamans, bootblacks, barrel-coopers, shit-shovelers, and boil-lancers in my life. In exchange, they don't burden me with any useless shit that I don't need or want, and no one feels any pangs of guilt for not participating in the commercial spirit. Alas, due to my dear wife's deficiency of guilt immunity, we end up purchasing or recycling crappy gifts for her miscellaneous relatives and acquaintances. Equally disconcertingly, the same people bestow us with a yearly dose of crap.
The following is a list of crappy gifts I have either given, received, or seen in stores marketed as "perfect gifts:"
Scented candles. Who the fuck actually uses these? I can't think of any particular moment in my life when I yearned for my house to smell like an old woman's perfume.
Assortments of soaps, bath oils, lotions, etc. Number one, I do not take baths, I shower like any normal American. Baths are for when I have extreme muscle pain or a broken leg, and in such cases I have no desire to smell like a god-damned rose garden. Number two, most of these kinds of gifty products have given me breakouts when I've actually used them. What better gift than a fresh crop of zits that takes me back to my awkward teenage years?
Matching sets of holiday-themed paper napkins and paper plates. Thanks, I can really use this for that party I'm having last fucking week. Oh, and thanks for giving me something I can only use once.
Framed photographs. Because I want nothing more than to enshrine you in my gigantic house where I have so many bare surfaces where this would fit perfectly.
Roadside emergency kits. You know, just in case AAA and cell phones suddenly disappear off the face of the earth.
Travel alarm clock. Yeah, my cell phone's alarm clock function just mysteriously stops working as soon as I cross the state line.
Compact umbrella. Oh my god! I... I never had an umbrella before! I never thought I'd own one! Until now I've had to dash through the rain sheltering myself with a newspaper soiled with a homeless man's feces!
Portable cassette player, or even worse, portable AM/FM radio. Where do I even start? Cassette players were already aging when I was given one in 1995. Thanks, I can't wait to spend hours making mix tapes from my CD collection! Can you imagine getting one of these now? I actually saw someone listening to a portable cassette player at the gym recently, and I think she was doing it without ironic nostalgia.
A wallet. No adult in the world already has one.
Keyrings of any sort. The keyring I already have is just not working out for me.
Etiquette guide. Nothing makes you feel the joy of Christmas like being told you're an uncouth slob.
Singing/talking bottle opener. Good for a few giggles, but once the irreplaceable battery dies, you're left with a paperweight with your favorite team logo or cartoon character.
Speaking of which, Paperweights. I don't know about you, but I constantly find myself trying to keep papers from blowing away, because I do all my work on the bow of a speedboat at 50 knots.
Miniature books. The stupid tree-killers with pictures of dogs in funny hats, or a piece of sage advice on each page. These are usually good for a chuckle or a few pearls of wisdom, but what the fuck do I do with it after I've read it once, in the space of about 5 minutes? Maybe I should build a tiny bookshelf with the power tools you could have given me.
Any product labeled "As Seen On TV!" At best, it will break, disappoint, or not work at all. More likely, it will give the user a rash, electric shock, or cancer.
Cheese slicing set. This will put an end to those recurring nightmares I have where William Howard Taft won't stop teabagging me because I can't slice my cheese perfectly.
Word-a-day calendars. The perfect gift for the man with a 7th-grade reading level.
Meat & cheese assortments. If you're lucky, they'll be yummy, but an aftertaste of thoughtlessness will linger.
Christmas ornaments. I sure don't already have a tree full of ornaments, and I'll only have to wait an entire fucking year to use it.
Stocking hangers. Not only are they just plain tacky, they also have to wait a year to see any use.
Christmas-themed trivets, platters, potholders, china, and glassware. Yet again, doomed to sit in a closet for 11 months before seeing daylight.
Gift certificates to places you don't or can't go, or that won't cover the full cost of something. Specific examples come to mind: 1: my aunt used to give me gift certificates to an independent book store in Chapel Hill. I lived in Raleigh, and this was before I could drive. So I couldn't even use the thing until the next time my mom or my friend's mom felt like going to Chapel Hill. Plus they were always for 5 bucks, and Garfield books cost $6.95. 2: I once received one for an independent music store on Hillsborough Street. It was a store I rarely ever went to, and all their CDs cost a good 4–5 bucks more than at Best Buy. Thanks, I'll use this 10 bucks as a down payment on an album. 3: a $10 Applebee's gift card for me and my wife to go out to dinner. Um, thanks, I guess we'll split a plate of nachos and only one of us can get a soda.
Homemade crafts. Unless you're an artist with an understanding of craft, color, materials, and composition, just don't do it.
Now that my enviable good planning has been properly flaunted, on to today's topic. Most of us, either through our own or, in my case, a spouse's sense of obligation, have people on our gift list whom we rarely see or talk to, sometimes intentionally, but to whom we nonetheless feel obligated to give some trinket in the spirit of Annual Gift Exchange Day. I brought no such people into my marriage. I never give gifts to the various aunts, uncles, cousins, neighbors, friends of the family, co-workers, postmen, footmen, grocers, fishmongers, shamans, bootblacks, barrel-coopers, shit-shovelers, and boil-lancers in my life. In exchange, they don't burden me with any useless shit that I don't need or want, and no one feels any pangs of guilt for not participating in the commercial spirit. Alas, due to my dear wife's deficiency of guilt immunity, we end up purchasing or recycling crappy gifts for her miscellaneous relatives and acquaintances. Equally disconcertingly, the same people bestow us with a yearly dose of crap.
The following is a list of crappy gifts I have either given, received, or seen in stores marketed as "perfect gifts:"
Scented candles. Who the fuck actually uses these? I can't think of any particular moment in my life when I yearned for my house to smell like an old woman's perfume.
Assortments of soaps, bath oils, lotions, etc. Number one, I do not take baths, I shower like any normal American. Baths are for when I have extreme muscle pain or a broken leg, and in such cases I have no desire to smell like a god-damned rose garden. Number two, most of these kinds of gifty products have given me breakouts when I've actually used them. What better gift than a fresh crop of zits that takes me back to my awkward teenage years?
Matching sets of holiday-themed paper napkins and paper plates. Thanks, I can really use this for that party I'm having last fucking week. Oh, and thanks for giving me something I can only use once.
Framed photographs. Because I want nothing more than to enshrine you in my gigantic house where I have so many bare surfaces where this would fit perfectly.
Roadside emergency kits. You know, just in case AAA and cell phones suddenly disappear off the face of the earth.
Travel alarm clock. Yeah, my cell phone's alarm clock function just mysteriously stops working as soon as I cross the state line.
Compact umbrella. Oh my god! I... I never had an umbrella before! I never thought I'd own one! Until now I've had to dash through the rain sheltering myself with a newspaper soiled with a homeless man's feces!
Portable cassette player, or even worse, portable AM/FM radio. Where do I even start? Cassette players were already aging when I was given one in 1995. Thanks, I can't wait to spend hours making mix tapes from my CD collection! Can you imagine getting one of these now? I actually saw someone listening to a portable cassette player at the gym recently, and I think she was doing it without ironic nostalgia.
A wallet. No adult in the world already has one.
Keyrings of any sort. The keyring I already have is just not working out for me.
Etiquette guide. Nothing makes you feel the joy of Christmas like being told you're an uncouth slob.
Singing/talking bottle opener. Good for a few giggles, but once the irreplaceable battery dies, you're left with a paperweight with your favorite team logo or cartoon character.
Speaking of which, Paperweights. I don't know about you, but I constantly find myself trying to keep papers from blowing away, because I do all my work on the bow of a speedboat at 50 knots.
Miniature books. The stupid tree-killers with pictures of dogs in funny hats, or a piece of sage advice on each page. These are usually good for a chuckle or a few pearls of wisdom, but what the fuck do I do with it after I've read it once, in the space of about 5 minutes? Maybe I should build a tiny bookshelf with the power tools you could have given me.
Any product labeled "As Seen On TV!" At best, it will break, disappoint, or not work at all. More likely, it will give the user a rash, electric shock, or cancer.
Cheese slicing set. This will put an end to those recurring nightmares I have where William Howard Taft won't stop teabagging me because I can't slice my cheese perfectly.
Word-a-day calendars. The perfect gift for the man with a 7th-grade reading level.
Meat & cheese assortments. If you're lucky, they'll be yummy, but an aftertaste of thoughtlessness will linger.
Christmas ornaments. I sure don't already have a tree full of ornaments, and I'll only have to wait an entire fucking year to use it.
Stocking hangers. Not only are they just plain tacky, they also have to wait a year to see any use.
Christmas-themed trivets, platters, potholders, china, and glassware. Yet again, doomed to sit in a closet for 11 months before seeing daylight.
Gift certificates to places you don't or can't go, or that won't cover the full cost of something. Specific examples come to mind: 1: my aunt used to give me gift certificates to an independent book store in Chapel Hill. I lived in Raleigh, and this was before I could drive. So I couldn't even use the thing until the next time my mom or my friend's mom felt like going to Chapel Hill. Plus they were always for 5 bucks, and Garfield books cost $6.95. 2: I once received one for an independent music store on Hillsborough Street. It was a store I rarely ever went to, and all their CDs cost a good 4–5 bucks more than at Best Buy. Thanks, I'll use this 10 bucks as a down payment on an album. 3: a $10 Applebee's gift card for me and my wife to go out to dinner. Um, thanks, I guess we'll split a plate of nachos and only one of us can get a soda.
Homemade crafts. Unless you're an artist with an understanding of craft, color, materials, and composition, just don't do it.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Not a bad December, so far
I was just musing on how relatively enjoyable this December has been, compared to Decembers of years past. Annual Gift-Giving Day has thus far imposed very little stress upon my fragile psyche. Most of our gifts have already been acquired. Our pagan tree has been purchased, erected, and festooned with lights and fanciful ornaments. Our set of Christmas china has been fetched from the storage closet and washed. It's been a disturbingly smooth December. I am a bit frightened by the unfamiliarity of such a thing.
In years past, something always got put off or forgotten until the last possible moment. A recipient was left off the mental gift list. The perfect gift for so-and-so was not located until the 24th. The living room was still without a tree a week before the big day. Long ago, when I was still under my parents' roof, I would be sent nearly every year after being a licensed motorist to the frenzied shit-storm known as Crabtree Valley Mall on Christmas Eve to fight the vulturous throngs and retrieve some trinket to give to some relative somewhere.
This year, the bulk of the shopping was completed this past Saturday, when the local shopping center was noticeably busier than other times of the year but not nearly as hectic as the last week before the big day. The rest of the shopping has been taken care of by my fabulous bride during her convenient down-time while the little darlings are in school. Practically everything I've purchased for her is coming through the mail, eliminating the need to mingle with the diseased masses. And talk about savings! The books and DVDs I bought for her online with free shipping cost less than I would have paid with a 10% member discount at Barnes & Noble. So on Saturday, as the shades of evening drew, we bought our Christmas tree and set it up, then chowed down on delicious pizza (delivered, of course). The next day we decorated the tree while munching on popcorn, sipping hot spiced wine, and playing seasonal tunes. It was a grand time filled with holiday cheer and no stress. For the first time in a few years, I find myself looking forward to Christmas, instead of wishing it would just hurry up and be over with. If only I were going to have more than $130 in my account after my car insurance gets paid . . .
I do, however, yearn for the days when I had 3–4 weeks of vacation time during the Annual Gift-Giving season. In my glorious university days, exams would be over around the 15th or so, and classes didn't resume until at least the 6th. Those were the most precious weeks of the year, because unlike summer, there was no pressure to get a job, nor was there any expectation to get fresh air and exercise. I had every excuse to go to bed late, get up at 11AM, and loaf around the house or hang out with friends all day. Christmas shopping was done at my leisure, in the middle of the day when the corporate drones were toiling away in their cubicles.
This morning I dragged my ass out of bed at 7:30 and walked out into the 40-degree chill to get into my icy car and go to my soul-sucking cubicle, and wanted nothing more than to go back to bed, get up in another 3 hours, and sit on the couch all day in my PJs, slurping hot chocolate, chomping down popcorn, and looking at my pretty tree.
In years past, something always got put off or forgotten until the last possible moment. A recipient was left off the mental gift list. The perfect gift for so-and-so was not located until the 24th. The living room was still without a tree a week before the big day. Long ago, when I was still under my parents' roof, I would be sent nearly every year after being a licensed motorist to the frenzied shit-storm known as Crabtree Valley Mall on Christmas Eve to fight the vulturous throngs and retrieve some trinket to give to some relative somewhere.
This year, the bulk of the shopping was completed this past Saturday, when the local shopping center was noticeably busier than other times of the year but not nearly as hectic as the last week before the big day. The rest of the shopping has been taken care of by my fabulous bride during her convenient down-time while the little darlings are in school. Practically everything I've purchased for her is coming through the mail, eliminating the need to mingle with the diseased masses. And talk about savings! The books and DVDs I bought for her online with free shipping cost less than I would have paid with a 10% member discount at Barnes & Noble. So on Saturday, as the shades of evening drew, we bought our Christmas tree and set it up, then chowed down on delicious pizza (delivered, of course). The next day we decorated the tree while munching on popcorn, sipping hot spiced wine, and playing seasonal tunes. It was a grand time filled with holiday cheer and no stress. For the first time in a few years, I find myself looking forward to Christmas, instead of wishing it would just hurry up and be over with. If only I were going to have more than $130 in my account after my car insurance gets paid . . .
I do, however, yearn for the days when I had 3–4 weeks of vacation time during the Annual Gift-Giving season. In my glorious university days, exams would be over around the 15th or so, and classes didn't resume until at least the 6th. Those were the most precious weeks of the year, because unlike summer, there was no pressure to get a job, nor was there any expectation to get fresh air and exercise. I had every excuse to go to bed late, get up at 11AM, and loaf around the house or hang out with friends all day. Christmas shopping was done at my leisure, in the middle of the day when the corporate drones were toiling away in their cubicles.
This morning I dragged my ass out of bed at 7:30 and walked out into the 40-degree chill to get into my icy car and go to my soul-sucking cubicle, and wanted nothing more than to go back to bed, get up in another 3 hours, and sit on the couch all day in my PJs, slurping hot chocolate, chomping down popcorn, and looking at my pretty tree.
Friday, December 4, 2009
My latest idiotic project idea
Well, the general insanity continues. I want to repaint my dining room in an ivory color and install some crown molding, but not just to fancy it up. I believe this would provide a better setting for theme dinners (which we would host if we could get our cluttered shit-hole of a house cleaned up).
Friends who read this blog no doubt recall my Oval Office-themed study at my parents' house. I attempted the same at my current residence but finally came to terms with the fact that I won't have a convincing home version until I have the means to build a custom-designed house. I had a brilliant thought, however: I could have a White House-themed dining room, in which I could host a Presidential dinner. My dining room is nowhere near the size of the state dining room, but it could be, in my deluded mind, the smaller "family dining room" found in the executive mansion. A lick of ivory paint and some molding would give off the desired effect. I took the time to render my idea in Photoshop (too lazy to add the crown molding):
The materials wouldn't be terribly expensive. I already have the eagle and the flags, poles would simply be dowels stained or painted, and the portrait would be a framed poster print.
For a Titanic dinner (mentioned in an earlier post), I'd simply replace the portrait with a poster of ships at sea and remove the flags and eagle. I'd also rig up an electric table lamp similar to those used on the ship by putting an LED flashlight inside a small brass lamp base.
Friends who read this blog no doubt recall my Oval Office-themed study at my parents' house. I attempted the same at my current residence but finally came to terms with the fact that I won't have a convincing home version until I have the means to build a custom-designed house. I had a brilliant thought, however: I could have a White House-themed dining room, in which I could host a Presidential dinner. My dining room is nowhere near the size of the state dining room, but it could be, in my deluded mind, the smaller "family dining room" found in the executive mansion. A lick of ivory paint and some molding would give off the desired effect. I took the time to render my idea in Photoshop (too lazy to add the crown molding):
The materials wouldn't be terribly expensive. I already have the eagle and the flags, poles would simply be dowels stained or painted, and the portrait would be a framed poster print.
For a Titanic dinner (mentioned in an earlier post), I'd simply replace the portrait with a poster of ships at sea and remove the flags and eagle. I'd also rig up an electric table lamp similar to those used on the ship by putting an LED flashlight inside a small brass lamp base.
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