Poor man's limousine

We had two fire alarms just this week at my office. I'm not sure whether either or both were genuine alarms or mere drills. In previous years, drills seem to have occurred only in bitter cold weather, which set me adrift in a cloud of wishful thinking. I began to long for a sort of poor man's limousine, a personal vehicle with a comfortable rear seating area and no body modifications.

Such a vehicle would be a quiet little refuge where I could take in a few precious moments of solitude during such forced evacuations, or just during a stolen moment in the course of the work day, where I would sit warm and comfortable, shielded from the elements and the inane banter of office drones. Drawing inspiration from luxurious "mobile office" affairs, my poor man's limo would appear from the outside to be an ordinary SUV such as a Ford Expedition, but the inside would boast a veritable mobile living room. I would remove the back seat and leave the factory third row bench, covering unsightly mounting holes with a carpet. I would construct a divider behind the driver's seat for that limo feel, but I probably wouldn't go so far as to include a motorized partition, opting for a curtain instead, as a throwback to the limousines of old. Ultra-dark tinted windows would be essential for privacy, and on an SUV, would be within the state's tint laws. Behind the divider would be a little cabinet, possibly with a mini fridge and assorted glassware. Of course I would install an LCD monitor (20 inches or so) and hook up a TV tuner for over-the-air broadcasts. I'd definitely equip it with mobile wi-fi and an iPad for casual web surfing, and also have a connector for the iPad so I could play videos on the big screen.

If I had additional funds, I would equip the car with twin sets of police scanners and CB radios—one set accessible when driving, the other accessible from the rear seating area. A remote starter would allow me to warm up the car on cold days, ensuring that it's toasty warm by the time I get inside. I would install a wireless printer/scanner/copier, plus an assortment of paper stocks and cutting tools, just in case I get the urge or need to create something while I'm out and about. One bonus feature, which all the executive mobile office limousines I've seen seem to lack, would be a single-cup coffee/hot beverage maker (think Keurig).

Oh, imagine a cold, blustery January morn, when the fire alarm shrieks and all the gastropods slither out of the building to freeze in the parking lot. Meanwhile, I would crank up the heater by remote control, climb in, and fire up the Keurig. Instead of a movie I would play a video of a crackling fireplace on the 20" screen, and ease back with a cup of hot coffee, haughtily observing the huddled masses from my warm little cocoon behind the dark tinted windows. Perhaps if I were feeling exceptionally generous I would invite a lucky co-worker to join me.