A-WASPing we will go

Once more, it has been far too long since my last entry. I've been quite busy in the ol' cubicle recently. Seems like everyone around here needs something and needs it fast. I've been putting in full 7-and-a-half-hour days the last couple of weeks! I'm about to drop!

I'll start with an update on a recent, fortuitous turn of events: the acquisition of a new used car, and the permanent removal from my sight of the bane of my existence, the Crown Victoria. One day in late March, my bride received a call from her grandparents, saying they wanted to buy her a car. Just like that. This was completely unexpected -- we hadn't asked for a car or even dropped hints. That very weekend, we went to Carmax and found our ideal ride -- a late-model Toyota Highlander. While it wasn't the preppy Volvo XC-90 SUV that I had hoped for for my bride, it was still a major upgrade  from the aging 4runner, which I was delighted to have for my primary vehicle once again. I hung onto the Crown Vic for a little while, not sure what do do with it, and when the registration renewal finally came due, I decided just to see what Carmax would give me for it. I received an insulting offer, but took the money and ran, glad, in the end, to be rid of that albatross once and for all. No longer do I stand out in traffic like a chimp on a unicycle. I move along completely unnoticed, in a vehicle perfectly suited for my persona: the douchey preppy.

Speaking of preppies, you may recall a series of writings on this silly blog all about preppies and what makes them tick, if they tick at all. Further research into the subculture compels me to make a certain distinction, albeit a blurry, murky distinction with few clear boundaries, between preppies and a similar culture within their culture, identified by an acronym summing up its proud, mildly inbred roots: White Anglo-Saxon Protestants, or WASPs.

A culture within a culture, WASPs bear many similarities to  preppies, such as affluence and an interest in refinement and good manners, yet there are a few characteristics that set them apart. I'll do my best to clarify some of these distinctions.

Religion. By virtue of the P in WASP, WASPs are protestant, but it doesn't quite stop there. While all preppies are affiliated with Christian denominations that reject papal authority, WASPs are exclusively Anglican or Episcopalian. Baptists tend to be too preachy and fundamentalist for the WASPy disinclination toward controversy, and their contempt for alcohol and dancing conflicts with WASPs' love of drunkenly gyrating to beach music at weddings. Methodists, meanwhile, are so bland and repressed that they bore WASPs to tears. WASPs don't take their faith terribly seriously, mainly using their churches as a social center where they can keep up with acquaintances they never see elsewhere, show off their expensive blazers, get together for dinners where wine flows freely, and make sure their children make lifelong friends with other WASP children, beginning in their church's private preschool.

Education. Most preppies encourage their children to excel in academics, but know to stop pressuring them if they just don't show a natural aptitude in certain subjects, knowing they can at least get into UNC-Pembroke after high school. WASPs, meanwhile, have zero tolerance for anything short of outstanding when it comes to grades and GPAs. Now, with advanced placement courses so commonplace, even a 4.0 GPA is regarded by some WASPs as coasting.

Athletics. Preppies and WASPs value athletic prowess equally, but preppies enjoy a little more variety than stodgy WASPs. Preppies and WASPs alike partake of golf, tennis, soccer, skiing, lacrosse, and swimming, but a WASP would be highly unlikely to share a preppy's interest in baseball or bowling. There's a little overlap regarding basketball; while preppies like both to play and watch, WASPs will watch their alma mater but only play if they are freakishly tall and have a good shot at joining the team at their parents' college. Basically if it's not European, doesn't require expensive equipment, or is too popular among the middle class, WASPs aren't interested.

Tradition. Both preppies and WASPs revere the practices of their forbears, but preppies feel more comfortable with taking a little creative license when it comes to how they carry on these traditions. A preppy would take cheeky pleasure in, say, stringing up Corona beer bottle lights on the Christmas tree in the family room, as long as nearly all other decorations are strictly traditional. A WASP would find no humor in deviating from the way it's always been done.

Englishness. Preppies are largely of English descent, but feel no shame if their bloodlines are muddled with ancestors from Scotland, Ireland, Germany, Scandinavia, and France, and even dabble in traditions from cultures with which they have no affiliation. Preppies view Cinco de Mayo as a great excuse to chug margaritas, and those of Scottish descent love to put on a kilt and get together with other grown men in skirts. I know I will rattle a few WASPy cages this fall when I attend a friend's wedding dressed in Scottish formal attire instead of a bland dinner jacket. WASPs, on the other hand, will positively shit a brick if something isn't done exactly as the monarch of the Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland would do it.

Transportation. Buying cars new or nearly new and keeping them going for at least a decade is a trait held in common by preppies and WASPs, but the choice of vehicle makes a difference in distinguishing the preppy from the WASP. Preppies will pore over Consumer Reports, looking for the model that stands the best chance of still being in good shape ten years from now without needing constant maintenance and repairs. This is why you rarely see a preppy driving an American sedan, but so many will drive Ford and Chevy SUVs. Like everyone else, some preppies can't get over their need to be seen as successful, and while the nation of origin makes little difference to them, many will opt for the more expensive badges such as Lexus, Infiniti, BMW, Mercedes-Benz, and Acura, when a Toyota or Honda would have been just as reliable. For WASPs, on the other hand, it's Europe or bust. Mercedes-Benz, BMW, Land Rover/Range Rover, and Volvo are the chariots of choice for the WASP. American is out of the question, and while Japanese is not terribly popular, either, some WASPs grudgingly accept Lexus as on-par with Mercedes-Benz, but you'll never see a WASP tootling about in a Camry.