If you'll recall, a few months ago I was whining about how my Crown Victoria was attracting too much attention, the po-po were after me lucky charms, etc. I've since learned to like it again.
I've restored it to its original appearance. No bumper stickers, no antennas, no aftermarket parts or trim except for updated wheel covers. I think I've hit on the right look for it. The po-po can't stop me just for driving a plain silver Crown Vic, but at the same time it presents the air of authority and importance that I want in a vehicle. From behind, the bare rear deck and naked trunk lid give away its civilian status, but the distinctive grille keeps most motorists from whipping out of parking lots or other lanes and cutting me off. Should the need arise, I can stick a couple of dummy antennas on the trunk and presto, instant authority. I don't really know what kind of situation would warrant that. I constantly battle my urge to outfit it with amber strobes, antennas, and official-looking front license plate. I don't want another unpleasant run-in with a feeble-minded sheriff's deputy, plus it quickly gets tiresome when people won't speed the fuck up in front of me.
The general look I'm going for is government official, not cop. I wouldn't want to be lumped in with those 100-I.Q. mouth-breathers. I feel that my car has the right look for an NSA spook—plain but just classy enough not to look cheap, and to be given the utmost courtesy on the road.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Monday, January 18, 2010
Why renting movies is better than going to the theater
In my previous post, I wrote a bit about the advantages of home viewing over going to theaters. I'll elaborate and expand.
No children
There are so many great movies being churned out time and again aimed at a young audience, but with excellent stories, writing, and characters that enthrall adult audiences as well. My full enjoyment of these films is diminished if I have to share a theater with 30 children scattered about babbling nonsensically, blurting things out, kicking the seats, spilling their M&Ms all over the floor, or whispering stupid questions like "Mommy, who's that?" when a new character has just been fucking introduced and we don't know who the fuck he is yet.
No dumbshits trickling in 10 minutes after the feature has started
OK geniuses, there are these things theaters have had for decades called listings. If you look them up online, in the newspaper, or call the theater, you'll get a list of exactly what time every show will start! No, really, it's true! And you know what else? It's not an approximate time. It's not 2:30-ish. It's exactly when the projector starts rolling and when you should have your fat ass in the fucking seat. I can't stand it when people waddle in, look around with a dumbfounded expression because their desired seats are filled, or give my wife and me dirty looks because we're taking up 4 seats (fuck you, numb-nuts, we got here 30 minutes in advance so we wouldn't have to risk physical contact with or proximity to commoners), then finally plop down someplace and noisily get themselves settled in. Sitter didn't show up on time? Tough shit, wait for the next screening. Although I applaud that you actually got a sitter instead of taking your 1-year-old to an R-rated movie.
Clean, comfortable seating and leg room.
I'm 6'2". I like to stretch out. In my living room, I can lean back, prop my feet up in my cushy recliner, and not worry about whether some kid pissed on it during the previous showing.
Pause button!
I order a large drink for us to share when we go to the movies, which comes with free refills. So of course I often have to take a leak if the movie is more than 90 minutes long and risk missing important dialog or action in the time it takes me to walk the half-mile from the theater to the men's room, pee, and walk back. At home, I can pause the DVD and not miss a minute while I void my bladder in the bathroom 20 feet away.
On my schedule
I don't have to rush to get to the theater 30 minutes before show time to get a good seat, nor must I be a slave to their schedule.
Snacks & drinks are about 6 feet away
At the multiplex, I might as well pack a canteen and a change of clothes for the long trek to the concession stand for free refills. In my own house, the fridge is about 7 feet away from my chair, and within direct view of the TV, so I don't even have to pause the movie to get more snacks.
Come as you are
I can watch movies in my pajamas at home, or even my undies if I feel like it. People tend to give you funny looks if you attempt this in a theater. Plus at home I don't have to wait an eternity for my wife to put on her makeup just to go sit in the dark.
Yummy popcorn
Hot buttered popcorn at the movie theater has the potential for deliciousness, but frequently disappoints. More and more often, it seems, my mouth is assaulted with stale, lukewarm popcorn that's been sitting under a hot lamp since morning. At home, it comes straight out of the microwave, piping hot, and not handled by some minimum-wage flunky.
Booze
At home, I can get shit-faced and enhance my enjoyment of comedies. Bruno was great after a few vodka shots.
Savings!
I know the theater has to cover its expenses and turn a profit, and so do the filmmakers. I just don't feel like dropping $7 on a single ticket just to get raped again at the concession stand, with no guarantee that the movie will be worth it. Concession prices seem to be going up and up. The theater we usually go to even stopped offering its $10 popcorn & drink combo with free refills, the cheap bastards. For a while there, they even stopped having salt for the stale popcorn!
No children
There are so many great movies being churned out time and again aimed at a young audience, but with excellent stories, writing, and characters that enthrall adult audiences as well. My full enjoyment of these films is diminished if I have to share a theater with 30 children scattered about babbling nonsensically, blurting things out, kicking the seats, spilling their M&Ms all over the floor, or whispering stupid questions like "Mommy, who's that?" when a new character has just been fucking introduced and we don't know who the fuck he is yet.
No dumbshits trickling in 10 minutes after the feature has started
OK geniuses, there are these things theaters have had for decades called listings. If you look them up online, in the newspaper, or call the theater, you'll get a list of exactly what time every show will start! No, really, it's true! And you know what else? It's not an approximate time. It's not 2:30-ish. It's exactly when the projector starts rolling and when you should have your fat ass in the fucking seat. I can't stand it when people waddle in, look around with a dumbfounded expression because their desired seats are filled, or give my wife and me dirty looks because we're taking up 4 seats (fuck you, numb-nuts, we got here 30 minutes in advance so we wouldn't have to risk physical contact with or proximity to commoners), then finally plop down someplace and noisily get themselves settled in. Sitter didn't show up on time? Tough shit, wait for the next screening. Although I applaud that you actually got a sitter instead of taking your 1-year-old to an R-rated movie.
Clean, comfortable seating and leg room.
I'm 6'2". I like to stretch out. In my living room, I can lean back, prop my feet up in my cushy recliner, and not worry about whether some kid pissed on it during the previous showing.
Pause button!
I order a large drink for us to share when we go to the movies, which comes with free refills. So of course I often have to take a leak if the movie is more than 90 minutes long and risk missing important dialog or action in the time it takes me to walk the half-mile from the theater to the men's room, pee, and walk back. At home, I can pause the DVD and not miss a minute while I void my bladder in the bathroom 20 feet away.
On my schedule
I don't have to rush to get to the theater 30 minutes before show time to get a good seat, nor must I be a slave to their schedule.
Snacks & drinks are about 6 feet away
At the multiplex, I might as well pack a canteen and a change of clothes for the long trek to the concession stand for free refills. In my own house, the fridge is about 7 feet away from my chair, and within direct view of the TV, so I don't even have to pause the movie to get more snacks.
Come as you are
I can watch movies in my pajamas at home, or even my undies if I feel like it. People tend to give you funny looks if you attempt this in a theater. Plus at home I don't have to wait an eternity for my wife to put on her makeup just to go sit in the dark.
Yummy popcorn
Hot buttered popcorn at the movie theater has the potential for deliciousness, but frequently disappoints. More and more often, it seems, my mouth is assaulted with stale, lukewarm popcorn that's been sitting under a hot lamp since morning. At home, it comes straight out of the microwave, piping hot, and not handled by some minimum-wage flunky.
Booze
At home, I can get shit-faced and enhance my enjoyment of comedies. Bruno was great after a few vodka shots.
Savings!
I know the theater has to cover its expenses and turn a profit, and so do the filmmakers. I just don't feel like dropping $7 on a single ticket just to get raped again at the concession stand, with no guarantee that the movie will be worth it. Concession prices seem to be going up and up. The theater we usually go to even stopped offering its $10 popcorn & drink combo with free refills, the cheap bastards. For a while there, they even stopped having salt for the stale popcorn!
Those were the days
History likes to repeat itself, whether we like it or not. 80 years ago, our forebears found their seemingly fail-safe economy ground to a halt. The spendthrift, live-it-up, jazz 'n' liquor days of the 1920s seemed to be gone forever. People squeezed every penny, cut back to bare necessities, and found little escapes from reality in cheap entertainment such as dime novels and nickel cinemas. And after 1933, booze, booze, and more booze eased the pain.
We seem to be in similar times yet again. We enjoyed the no-end-in-sight orgy of consumption in the 1990s. Food prices were at all-time lows, and gasoline cost less than the $4 coffee we didn't think twice about chugging. Those glory days were abruptly cut short when people realized all the tech startups they'd invested in had no idea what the fuck they were doing. By the late 2000s, the easy credit of the previous decade finally caught up with people who bought houses, second homes, cars, boats, etc. with magical future money that wasn't flowing in anymore. The Second Gilded Age was over. While we didn't experience the widespread devastation of the Great Depression, practically everyone's consumer habits were affected somehow. Even if our jobs were spared, we found ourselves eating out less, going to fewer movies, traveling less, doing more repairs ourselves, avoiding unnecessary purchases, and basically hoping for the best while preparing for the worst.
This was certainly true for me. Just a couple years ago, we went to restaurants or ordered in 2–3 times a week, went to movies and bars nearly every weekend, bought new clothes when we fancied it, and took fabulous vacations. I even bought a car I didn't really need, when it would have been far cheaper to get my wife's old car in good working order. I just wanted it.
Even though we've been spared from layoffs and shrinking budgets, we've nonetheless been traumatized by the deprivation all around us, and being stuck on the same shitty salary while everything seems to be getting more expensive has made me particularly cautious. Nowadays, we eat out on our own dime maybe twice a month, buy food on super sale and freeze it for future meals to be prepared in our own kitchen, and take advantage of every offer for free food from generous relatives. Rather than call a plumber, I am proud to say I installed a new faucet myself and fixed a toilet that wouldn't refill. Rather than buy a car just out of a desire for something different, I stuck with my old reliable Vic and learned to like it, and have ceased buying unnecessary accessories for it. $1 Redbox rentals and microwave popcorn have replaced our weekly trips to the cinema, but honestly, I like home viewing better anyway—no rushing to the theater and no coping with babbling children, stale popcorn, or people straggling in 10 minutes after the feature has started, and we can pause it anytime to go pee. Plus if it's a shitty movie, at least I'll only be out a buck and 90 minutes of my life. Our vacations get more and more frugal each time. Compare the costs of our various trips over the years: March 2008: $5000 trip, versus March 2009: $3000 trip. October 2008: $1200 anniversary weekend; October 2009: $200 charity event and overnight hotel stay. Our recent trip to D.C. cost airfare and meals, with free lodging. Our next week-long vacation will probably be at the beach, where we stay for free, for the cost of gasoline and food, much of which will be prepared in the condo.
There's a part of me that feels that this whole downsizing trend will at least teach me that there's a lot I can survive without, and that it will make me stronger and tougher. Nevertheless, I long for a return to the Gilded Age of the 1990s. I don't know if we'll ever see days like that again.
We seem to be in similar times yet again. We enjoyed the no-end-in-sight orgy of consumption in the 1990s. Food prices were at all-time lows, and gasoline cost less than the $4 coffee we didn't think twice about chugging. Those glory days were abruptly cut short when people realized all the tech startups they'd invested in had no idea what the fuck they were doing. By the late 2000s, the easy credit of the previous decade finally caught up with people who bought houses, second homes, cars, boats, etc. with magical future money that wasn't flowing in anymore. The Second Gilded Age was over. While we didn't experience the widespread devastation of the Great Depression, practically everyone's consumer habits were affected somehow. Even if our jobs were spared, we found ourselves eating out less, going to fewer movies, traveling less, doing more repairs ourselves, avoiding unnecessary purchases, and basically hoping for the best while preparing for the worst.
This was certainly true for me. Just a couple years ago, we went to restaurants or ordered in 2–3 times a week, went to movies and bars nearly every weekend, bought new clothes when we fancied it, and took fabulous vacations. I even bought a car I didn't really need, when it would have been far cheaper to get my wife's old car in good working order. I just wanted it.
Even though we've been spared from layoffs and shrinking budgets, we've nonetheless been traumatized by the deprivation all around us, and being stuck on the same shitty salary while everything seems to be getting more expensive has made me particularly cautious. Nowadays, we eat out on our own dime maybe twice a month, buy food on super sale and freeze it for future meals to be prepared in our own kitchen, and take advantage of every offer for free food from generous relatives. Rather than call a plumber, I am proud to say I installed a new faucet myself and fixed a toilet that wouldn't refill. Rather than buy a car just out of a desire for something different, I stuck with my old reliable Vic and learned to like it, and have ceased buying unnecessary accessories for it. $1 Redbox rentals and microwave popcorn have replaced our weekly trips to the cinema, but honestly, I like home viewing better anyway—no rushing to the theater and no coping with babbling children, stale popcorn, or people straggling in 10 minutes after the feature has started, and we can pause it anytime to go pee. Plus if it's a shitty movie, at least I'll only be out a buck and 90 minutes of my life. Our vacations get more and more frugal each time. Compare the costs of our various trips over the years: March 2008: $5000 trip, versus March 2009: $3000 trip. October 2008: $1200 anniversary weekend; October 2009: $200 charity event and overnight hotel stay. Our recent trip to D.C. cost airfare and meals, with free lodging. Our next week-long vacation will probably be at the beach, where we stay for free, for the cost of gasoline and food, much of which will be prepared in the condo.
There's a part of me that feels that this whole downsizing trend will at least teach me that there's a lot I can survive without, and that it will make me stronger and tougher. Nevertheless, I long for a return to the Gilded Age of the 1990s. I don't know if we'll ever see days like that again.
Friday, January 15, 2010
I Miss Ol' Blue
Damn, I miss my Volvo.
Don't get me wrong, I love my Vicky. But there are times when I wish I had my old light blue, 1989 Volvo 740GLE. I had some great times with that car (none of them involving sexy time, I'm afraid).
I got Ol' Blue in late 1996. It was my first car that I drove daily. Before then I'd been borrowing various family cars, mostly my sister's old Ford Tempo. Ol' Blue came with black leather seats, buttwarmers, a factory cassette player, and power sunroof that failed twice. Blue took us on numerous trips to Myrtle Beach and once to Hilton Head. Her main function was getting me to school and carting me and my old school chum around town on our various nerdly adventures to The Reader's Corner, Best Buy, Barnes & Noble, Capital Comics, Foundation's Edge, and our favorite movie theaters. For Christmas in 1997 I got a CD player for Ol' Blue. No more tedious sessions recording mix tapes, it was high-tech CDs for me. I played the first CD I ever burned off Napster on Blue's stereo. I picked up my chum's freaky goth girlfriend in Ol' Blue. I used her trunk as a locker my senior year, and as a hiding place for my chum's frivolous action figure purchases so that his parents wouldn't find out what he'd blown his money on.
Blue met her undignified demise when her timing chain broke. The mechanic said that in addition she was in need of new piston rings, at a cost my parents were unwilling to pay. They opted to get me the 4Runner instead, which was and continues to be a great car. I just wish they had maybe kept Blue in storage somewhere to await a resurrection, but instead they chose to sell it to the mechanic for parts. He probably did the ring job himself and resold it at a nice profit.
Despite my current vehicle's vintage (1998), if I truly wish to re-visit the gilded age of the 1990s, I'd have to have Ol' Blue back. I long to play the hits of the late '90s on her JVC stereo while rocking my old Timberland boots and big plaid shirts. I'd put the South Park bumper sticker back on, and my NCSU stickers. Perhaps a "Clinton Happens" sticker as well?
Future plans for my '90s fantasies include redecorating the guest room in my current house to resemble my bedroom circa 1997. I have an invaluable guide to go by, which is a photo of my bedroom I took in 1997 on the day I got my Kodak Advantix camera (remember those?). It shows the arrangement of decorative objects on my dresser, most of which I still possess. My parents likely still have remnants of the original green wall paint which I can get duplicated, and they still have the old curtains. The old CD player will go in there somewhere, and I'll hang up the 3x5 Union Jack over the bed.
Don't get me wrong, I love my Vicky. But there are times when I wish I had my old light blue, 1989 Volvo 740GLE. I had some great times with that car (none of them involving sexy time, I'm afraid).
I got Ol' Blue in late 1996. It was my first car that I drove daily. Before then I'd been borrowing various family cars, mostly my sister's old Ford Tempo. Ol' Blue came with black leather seats, buttwarmers, a factory cassette player, and power sunroof that failed twice. Blue took us on numerous trips to Myrtle Beach and once to Hilton Head. Her main function was getting me to school and carting me and my old school chum around town on our various nerdly adventures to The Reader's Corner, Best Buy, Barnes & Noble, Capital Comics, Foundation's Edge, and our favorite movie theaters. For Christmas in 1997 I got a CD player for Ol' Blue. No more tedious sessions recording mix tapes, it was high-tech CDs for me. I played the first CD I ever burned off Napster on Blue's stereo. I picked up my chum's freaky goth girlfriend in Ol' Blue. I used her trunk as a locker my senior year, and as a hiding place for my chum's frivolous action figure purchases so that his parents wouldn't find out what he'd blown his money on.
Blue met her undignified demise when her timing chain broke. The mechanic said that in addition she was in need of new piston rings, at a cost my parents were unwilling to pay. They opted to get me the 4Runner instead, which was and continues to be a great car. I just wish they had maybe kept Blue in storage somewhere to await a resurrection, but instead they chose to sell it to the mechanic for parts. He probably did the ring job himself and resold it at a nice profit.
Despite my current vehicle's vintage (1998), if I truly wish to re-visit the gilded age of the 1990s, I'd have to have Ol' Blue back. I long to play the hits of the late '90s on her JVC stereo while rocking my old Timberland boots and big plaid shirts. I'd put the South Park bumper sticker back on, and my NCSU stickers. Perhaps a "Clinton Happens" sticker as well?
Future plans for my '90s fantasies include redecorating the guest room in my current house to resemble my bedroom circa 1997. I have an invaluable guide to go by, which is a photo of my bedroom I took in 1997 on the day I got my Kodak Advantix camera (remember those?). It shows the arrangement of decorative objects on my dresser, most of which I still possess. My parents likely still have remnants of the original green wall paint which I can get duplicated, and they still have the old curtains. The old CD player will go in there somewhere, and I'll hang up the 3x5 Union Jack over the bed.
Bow down and kiss my ring! Just not in North Carolina.
I am an ordained minister.
Yes, I finally decided to get myself ordained online with the ULC. I actually agree with their beliefs and like the idea of being considered a minister without having to go through all that study and coursework. So now I can perform marriages, baptisms, exorcisms, etc. Except in North Carolina.
Yes, my ever-so-tolerant home state can't pull its head out of its ass long enough to recognize ULC ministers as qualified to officiate marriages. Even though the statutes state that a minister of any religious denomination can officiate, NC case law has found that a mail-order ordination somehow doesn't count. Well excuse me, bitches. Maybe not all of us care to subscribe to a religion that doesn't allow all of its members to be ministers without a grueling course of study. I love how this state allows a Cherokee shaman to whoop and holler and sing and chant and solemnize a marriage, but thinks a guy like me who believes that all religions are the same path to God is some sort of charlatan.
For that matter, why is it that states don't allow everybody to officiate marriages? What is it about a minister or magistrate that magically makes him more qualified to read some shit aloud and pronounce a couple married? At the very least, public notaries should be permitted to officiate. Anyway, realistically, anyone can file the marriage license and claim to be a minister. It's not like there's a central database of ordained ministers.
Well, at least now I have an excuse to wear a white clerical collar. Perhaps a pointy bishop hat?
Yes, I finally decided to get myself ordained online with the ULC. I actually agree with their beliefs and like the idea of being considered a minister without having to go through all that study and coursework. So now I can perform marriages, baptisms, exorcisms, etc. Except in North Carolina.
Yes, my ever-so-tolerant home state can't pull its head out of its ass long enough to recognize ULC ministers as qualified to officiate marriages. Even though the statutes state that a minister of any religious denomination can officiate, NC case law has found that a mail-order ordination somehow doesn't count. Well excuse me, bitches. Maybe not all of us care to subscribe to a religion that doesn't allow all of its members to be ministers without a grueling course of study. I love how this state allows a Cherokee shaman to whoop and holler and sing and chant and solemnize a marriage, but thinks a guy like me who believes that all religions are the same path to God is some sort of charlatan.
For that matter, why is it that states don't allow everybody to officiate marriages? What is it about a minister or magistrate that magically makes him more qualified to read some shit aloud and pronounce a couple married? At the very least, public notaries should be permitted to officiate. Anyway, realistically, anyone can file the marriage license and claim to be a minister. It's not like there's a central database of ordained ministers.
Well, at least now I have an excuse to wear a white clerical collar. Perhaps a pointy bishop hat?
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
You, too, can go from riches to rags in just one day!
Every now and then, the universe likes to remind me that I am its bitch, to be bought and sold for cartons of Kools.
For Christmas, I received a total of $450 in monetary instruments, in addition to other fine gifts. Not a bad haul. I had grand plans for this infusion of funds: gentle-manly garments, adornments for my auto-voiture, books, and household improvements. After the events of yesterday, these purchases must be postponed.
The first event I actually halfway expected to happen. My trusty Ford refused to start up yester-morn. It had sat idle outside the house for three days, and for the past few weeks had been hesitant to start. A call to AAA and an hour later, I was writing a check for $130 for a new battery and a new positive battery clamp (the old one had been practically disintegrated by leaking acid). I may have gotten screwed, but the brand was supposedly top of the line, plus it was very convenient to have it installed right there at my doorstep. The battery he removed was the brand AAA used to sell, and it had lasted 7 years, so I imagine they know their stuff when it comes to selecting products.
So off to work I went, my coffers $130 lighter. When I returned home in the evening, I let the dog out as usual and went into the living room, intending to sit down and view the Peanuts 1970s DVDs I had received, when what to my wandering eye should appear, but a torn-up candy wrapper on the sofa, oh dear. Our little 25-pound dog had eaten a good 4 ounces of dark chocolate. Off to the after-hours emergency vet she went for a forced vomiting and an overnight observation costing $657. Yes, there are three digits there and no decimal. Six-hundred fifty-seven and no/100 dollars. We decided it was worth the money not to risk her having an arrhythmia without immediate medical attention.
Ma and Pa helped out with the veterinary bill, but in total I dropped my entire Christmas monies plus $80 yesterday. Any New Year's Eve festivities, therefore, will have to be on the super-cheap. We may just go hang out with friends in Raleigh. No fabulous clothes beyond what the gift card will afford. No chrome side molding or Grand Marquis corner lights for Vicky. I had damn well better win something in the lottery this week.
For Christmas, I received a total of $450 in monetary instruments, in addition to other fine gifts. Not a bad haul. I had grand plans for this infusion of funds: gentle-manly garments, adornments for my auto-voiture, books, and household improvements. After the events of yesterday, these purchases must be postponed.
The first event I actually halfway expected to happen. My trusty Ford refused to start up yester-morn. It had sat idle outside the house for three days, and for the past few weeks had been hesitant to start. A call to AAA and an hour later, I was writing a check for $130 for a new battery and a new positive battery clamp (the old one had been practically disintegrated by leaking acid). I may have gotten screwed, but the brand was supposedly top of the line, plus it was very convenient to have it installed right there at my doorstep. The battery he removed was the brand AAA used to sell, and it had lasted 7 years, so I imagine they know their stuff when it comes to selecting products.
So off to work I went, my coffers $130 lighter. When I returned home in the evening, I let the dog out as usual and went into the living room, intending to sit down and view the Peanuts 1970s DVDs I had received, when what to my wandering eye should appear, but a torn-up candy wrapper on the sofa, oh dear. Our little 25-pound dog had eaten a good 4 ounces of dark chocolate. Off to the after-hours emergency vet she went for a forced vomiting and an overnight observation costing $657. Yes, there are three digits there and no decimal. Six-hundred fifty-seven and no/100 dollars. We decided it was worth the money not to risk her having an arrhythmia without immediate medical attention.
Ma and Pa helped out with the veterinary bill, but in total I dropped my entire Christmas monies plus $80 yesterday. Any New Year's Eve festivities, therefore, will have to be on the super-cheap. We may just go hang out with friends in Raleigh. No fabulous clothes beyond what the gift card will afford. No chrome side molding or Grand Marquis corner lights for Vicky. I had damn well better win something in the lottery this week.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Crappy Christmas Gifts
Before getting to the main subject matter of this post, I'll begin by being a boastful bastard: all my shopping for Annual Gift Exchange Day is complete. I will not be rushing out to a crowded mall or cluster-fucked shopping center competing with lower life forms for parking spaces a week before the big day. Nay, I shall be relaxing in my warm, cozy home all day on the 24th, enjoying my pretty tree and loafing about.
Now that my enviable good planning has been properly flaunted, on to today's topic. Most of us, either through our own or, in my case, a spouse's sense of obligation, have people on our gift list whom we rarely see or talk to, sometimes intentionally, but to whom we nonetheless feel obligated to give some trinket in the spirit of Annual Gift Exchange Day. I brought no such people into my marriage. I never give gifts to the various aunts, uncles, cousins, neighbors, friends of the family, co-workers, postmen, footmen, grocers, fishmongers, shamans, bootblacks, barrel-coopers, shit-shovelers, and boil-lancers in my life. In exchange, they don't burden me with any useless shit that I don't need or want, and no one feels any pangs of guilt for not participating in the commercial spirit. Alas, due to my dear wife's deficiency of guilt immunity, we end up purchasing or recycling crappy gifts for her miscellaneous relatives and acquaintances. Equally disconcertingly, the same people bestow us with a yearly dose of crap.
The following is a list of crappy gifts I have either given, received, or seen in stores marketed as "perfect gifts:"
Scented candles. Who the fuck actually uses these? I can't think of any particular moment in my life when I yearned for my house to smell like an old woman's perfume.
Assortments of soaps, bath oils, lotions, etc. Number one, I do not take baths, I shower like any normal American. Baths are for when I have extreme muscle pain or a broken leg, and in such cases I have no desire to smell like a god-damned rose garden. Number two, most of these kinds of gifty products have given me breakouts when I've actually used them. What better gift than a fresh crop of zits that takes me back to my awkward teenage years?
Matching sets of holiday-themed paper napkins and paper plates. Thanks, I can really use this for that party I'm having last fucking week. Oh, and thanks for giving me something I can only use once.
Framed photographs. Because I want nothing more than to enshrine you in my gigantic house where I have so many bare surfaces where this would fit perfectly.
Roadside emergency kits. You know, just in case AAA and cell phones suddenly disappear off the face of the earth.
Travel alarm clock. Yeah, my cell phone's alarm clock function just mysteriously stops working as soon as I cross the state line.
Compact umbrella. Oh my god! I... I never had an umbrella before! I never thought I'd own one! Until now I've had to dash through the rain sheltering myself with a newspaper soiled with a homeless man's feces!
Portable cassette player, or even worse, portable AM/FM radio. Where do I even start? Cassette players were already aging when I was given one in 1995. Thanks, I can't wait to spend hours making mix tapes from my CD collection! Can you imagine getting one of these now? I actually saw someone listening to a portable cassette player at the gym recently, and I think she was doing it without ironic nostalgia.
A wallet. No adult in the world already has one.
Keyrings of any sort. The keyring I already have is just not working out for me.
Etiquette guide. Nothing makes you feel the joy of Christmas like being told you're an uncouth slob.
Singing/talking bottle opener. Good for a few giggles, but once the irreplaceable battery dies, you're left with a paperweight with your favorite team logo or cartoon character.
Speaking of which, Paperweights. I don't know about you, but I constantly find myself trying to keep papers from blowing away, because I do all my work on the bow of a speedboat at 50 knots.
Miniature books. The stupid tree-killers with pictures of dogs in funny hats, or a piece of sage advice on each page. These are usually good for a chuckle or a few pearls of wisdom, but what the fuck do I do with it after I've read it once, in the space of about 5 minutes? Maybe I should build a tiny bookshelf with the power tools you could have given me.
Any product labeled "As Seen On TV!" At best, it will break, disappoint, or not work at all. More likely, it will give the user a rash, electric shock, or cancer.
Cheese slicing set. This will put an end to those recurring nightmares I have where William Howard Taft won't stop teabagging me because I can't slice my cheese perfectly.
Word-a-day calendars. The perfect gift for the man with a 7th-grade reading level.
Meat & cheese assortments. If you're lucky, they'll be yummy, but an aftertaste of thoughtlessness will linger.
Christmas ornaments. I sure don't already have a tree full of ornaments, and I'll only have to wait an entire fucking year to use it.
Stocking hangers. Not only are they just plain tacky, they also have to wait a year to see any use.
Christmas-themed trivets, platters, potholders, china, and glassware. Yet again, doomed to sit in a closet for 11 months before seeing daylight.
Gift certificates to places you don't or can't go, or that won't cover the full cost of something. Specific examples come to mind: 1: my aunt used to give me gift certificates to an independent book store in Chapel Hill. I lived in Raleigh, and this was before I could drive. So I couldn't even use the thing until the next time my mom or my friend's mom felt like going to Chapel Hill. Plus they were always for 5 bucks, and Garfield books cost $6.95. 2: I once received one for an independent music store on Hillsborough Street. It was a store I rarely ever went to, and all their CDs cost a good 4–5 bucks more than at Best Buy. Thanks, I'll use this 10 bucks as a down payment on an album. 3: a $10 Applebee's gift card for me and my wife to go out to dinner. Um, thanks, I guess we'll split a plate of nachos and only one of us can get a soda.
Homemade crafts. Unless you're an artist with an understanding of craft, color, materials, and composition, just don't do it.
Now that my enviable good planning has been properly flaunted, on to today's topic. Most of us, either through our own or, in my case, a spouse's sense of obligation, have people on our gift list whom we rarely see or talk to, sometimes intentionally, but to whom we nonetheless feel obligated to give some trinket in the spirit of Annual Gift Exchange Day. I brought no such people into my marriage. I never give gifts to the various aunts, uncles, cousins, neighbors, friends of the family, co-workers, postmen, footmen, grocers, fishmongers, shamans, bootblacks, barrel-coopers, shit-shovelers, and boil-lancers in my life. In exchange, they don't burden me with any useless shit that I don't need or want, and no one feels any pangs of guilt for not participating in the commercial spirit. Alas, due to my dear wife's deficiency of guilt immunity, we end up purchasing or recycling crappy gifts for her miscellaneous relatives and acquaintances. Equally disconcertingly, the same people bestow us with a yearly dose of crap.
The following is a list of crappy gifts I have either given, received, or seen in stores marketed as "perfect gifts:"
Scented candles. Who the fuck actually uses these? I can't think of any particular moment in my life when I yearned for my house to smell like an old woman's perfume.
Assortments of soaps, bath oils, lotions, etc. Number one, I do not take baths, I shower like any normal American. Baths are for when I have extreme muscle pain or a broken leg, and in such cases I have no desire to smell like a god-damned rose garden. Number two, most of these kinds of gifty products have given me breakouts when I've actually used them. What better gift than a fresh crop of zits that takes me back to my awkward teenage years?
Matching sets of holiday-themed paper napkins and paper plates. Thanks, I can really use this for that party I'm having last fucking week. Oh, and thanks for giving me something I can only use once.
Framed photographs. Because I want nothing more than to enshrine you in my gigantic house where I have so many bare surfaces where this would fit perfectly.
Roadside emergency kits. You know, just in case AAA and cell phones suddenly disappear off the face of the earth.
Travel alarm clock. Yeah, my cell phone's alarm clock function just mysteriously stops working as soon as I cross the state line.
Compact umbrella. Oh my god! I... I never had an umbrella before! I never thought I'd own one! Until now I've had to dash through the rain sheltering myself with a newspaper soiled with a homeless man's feces!
Portable cassette player, or even worse, portable AM/FM radio. Where do I even start? Cassette players were already aging when I was given one in 1995. Thanks, I can't wait to spend hours making mix tapes from my CD collection! Can you imagine getting one of these now? I actually saw someone listening to a portable cassette player at the gym recently, and I think she was doing it without ironic nostalgia.
A wallet. No adult in the world already has one.
Keyrings of any sort. The keyring I already have is just not working out for me.
Etiquette guide. Nothing makes you feel the joy of Christmas like being told you're an uncouth slob.
Singing/talking bottle opener. Good for a few giggles, but once the irreplaceable battery dies, you're left with a paperweight with your favorite team logo or cartoon character.
Speaking of which, Paperweights. I don't know about you, but I constantly find myself trying to keep papers from blowing away, because I do all my work on the bow of a speedboat at 50 knots.
Miniature books. The stupid tree-killers with pictures of dogs in funny hats, or a piece of sage advice on each page. These are usually good for a chuckle or a few pearls of wisdom, but what the fuck do I do with it after I've read it once, in the space of about 5 minutes? Maybe I should build a tiny bookshelf with the power tools you could have given me.
Any product labeled "As Seen On TV!" At best, it will break, disappoint, or not work at all. More likely, it will give the user a rash, electric shock, or cancer.
Cheese slicing set. This will put an end to those recurring nightmares I have where William Howard Taft won't stop teabagging me because I can't slice my cheese perfectly.
Word-a-day calendars. The perfect gift for the man with a 7th-grade reading level.
Meat & cheese assortments. If you're lucky, they'll be yummy, but an aftertaste of thoughtlessness will linger.
Christmas ornaments. I sure don't already have a tree full of ornaments, and I'll only have to wait an entire fucking year to use it.
Stocking hangers. Not only are they just plain tacky, they also have to wait a year to see any use.
Christmas-themed trivets, platters, potholders, china, and glassware. Yet again, doomed to sit in a closet for 11 months before seeing daylight.
Gift certificates to places you don't or can't go, or that won't cover the full cost of something. Specific examples come to mind: 1: my aunt used to give me gift certificates to an independent book store in Chapel Hill. I lived in Raleigh, and this was before I could drive. So I couldn't even use the thing until the next time my mom or my friend's mom felt like going to Chapel Hill. Plus they were always for 5 bucks, and Garfield books cost $6.95. 2: I once received one for an independent music store on Hillsborough Street. It was a store I rarely ever went to, and all their CDs cost a good 4–5 bucks more than at Best Buy. Thanks, I'll use this 10 bucks as a down payment on an album. 3: a $10 Applebee's gift card for me and my wife to go out to dinner. Um, thanks, I guess we'll split a plate of nachos and only one of us can get a soda.
Homemade crafts. Unless you're an artist with an understanding of craft, color, materials, and composition, just don't do it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)