...and another one bites the dust

Well, I'm in an odd mood. This morning it was announced that we'd FINALLY be up for raises this year, after 2 years on a salary freeze. I know, woo-hoo, right? Then my hopes were brought back to earth after learning that the average projected salary raise this year would be in the neighborhood of 2%. If that were the case for me, I'd get enough extra per month for the two of us to go to a moderately-priced restaurant.

To make things even more disappointing, and to get around to the title of this entry, a veteran of the staff got the axe today. What the fuck? This was right after a cheerful announcement about what a great year we'd had. Just drives home the point that nothing's good enough. There's no loyalty here, no compassion or second chances. All they're interested in here is how much money you can make for them. Slip just a bit and make them almost miss a payment on the Mercedes and you're out on your ass.

So what should be a happy day has become another spike in the stress-o-meter. Every time this kind of shit gets pulled around here, it just adds to the teeth-grinding anxiety. When a staff member has been here over a decade and gets the boot, what does that say about my own job security? It says, keep your head down and look busy, fool! And pray for that lotto jackpot!

This serves as a stabbing reminder of how unpredictable and unreliable a hired position can be, and only fuels the flames of my desire to grab that brass ring, hit the jackpot, and bail the fuck out. What is the divine, cosmic reason behind why I have as of yet not had my greatest desire in life fulfilled, and have instead been left to tread water in this gray cubicle? Meanwhile, those who do win the lottery are always common, tasteless people in fly-over states who end up getting scammed out of all their winnings by scheming relatives and televangelists. The world just ain't fair, I tells ya.

Fuck you, WALL-E! I'm staying on the spaceship!

While taking a relaxing dump this morning (on company time, of course), I got to daydreaming about a world where every undesirable task under the sun is performed by robots, automatons, and other machines. Such was the case on the Noah's ark-like ship in the film WALL-E. Robots and machines cleaned, prepared meals, served drinks, and even built and maintained one another. The humans didn't have to do shit. They rode around in their awesome chairs with built-in TV screens, lounged by the pool, and essentially lived their whole lives on a cruise ship. I'll never quite figure out how they reproduced. So then along came that damned meddling WALL-E who made such a big deal about re-starting life on Earth. Well, fuck you, WALL-E! Why in the hell would anyone want to leave a spacecraft where every want and need is fulfilled, and start all over from nothing, subsistence-farming and sleeping on the ground?

Hell, despite Royal Caribbean's slipshod management, being on the Liberty of the Seas for a week was possibly the best week of my life. Meals were always available, liquor was plentiful, and everything I wanted was within walking distance. I honestly didn't ever want to get off the ship even when we were docked at various tropical locales. I guess that's why I'm so adamant about my country estate having all the features of a cruise ship—food 24/7, fitness facility, indoor pool, hot tubs, steam room, library, theater, billiard hall, disco, bowling alley—so that I wouldn't have to leave the property.

Also while on the toilet, I contemplated a future in which vehicles would drive themselves. Man has dreamt of such a marvel ever since the dawn of the automobile age, only I feel that we're getting close to a time when it would be practicable. Vehicles could navigate via precise GPS technology, knowing exactly where and when to turn, and would also stop, accelerate, and decelerate in response to one another's presence, made known by radio transmissions, damn near eliminating collisions except under hazardous weather conditions. Traffic jams caused by human error would be a thing of the past. Car owners could even travel in their own cars overnight and sleep. Before every trip, the car would calculate the needed fuel or electrical charge and inform the owner if more was needed to reach the final destination before disembarking. I'm not sure what would be done to protect errant pedestrians, however, who don't use designated crosswalks. Perhaps vehicles would be equipped with infra-red imaging that signals the vehicle to stop when a live presence is detected, simultaneously radioing to rearward vehicles to stop as well. Speed and maneuvering would be governed by a computer, rather than the whim of an impatient, angry, or impaired human operator, eliminating drunk drivers and road rage.

Dreary Monday

This is in no way an earth-shattering observation, but Mondays suck, and rainy Mondays suck Phil's ass.

I love my weekends, because most of them are lived the way I would live if I were retired: get up when I feel like it, eat a leisurely breakfast, and keep my jammies on while I watch an unhealthy amount of TV, leaving the house only for an occasional errand. I'm always a little depressed on Monday, because I have to leave my comfortable little nest after two days of frivolity and crank up the grindstone for another 5 days of drudgery. What really makes this particular Monday dreadful is the rain. When the sun hides behind a thick, wet blanket of gloom, it drains me of the will to do anything productive. Right now I want nothing more than to be at home in the living room with my wife and a movie. I did precisely this yesterday afternoon, and it was wonderful. We went out on a few errands in the gray drizzle, and as soon as we got home, I put on my PJs, made some hot tea, and started up Forgetting Sarah Marshall on FX while the rain fell softly outside. How I long to have the means to spend every rainy day in such a manner, only in my stately home in the country.

This past Saturday evening we went to a little get-together at our friend's home outside of town. She resides in her parents' house in a neighborhood that was all farmland not long ago. Instead of going straight to her house, we meandered around the neighborhood a bit. Lots were big, houses were big, and it was all very quiet and bucolic, stirring up the desire to build a large country house not too far removed from the city, which I wouldn't have any need or desire to leave for days at a time, having everything I need and want on the property. We would probably go to town once a week for a fine dinner or to the theater, but groceries would be delivered. I would even have tailors come to the house, rather than go out to a shop.

O! To live the life of the country gentleman! I would have my friends come out for long weekends of leisure and good times, where they would stay in comfortable rooms and arise to a breakfast buffet. We would spend the days loafing about, playing croquet, knocking golf balls around, swimming, and making idle conversation. And on damp days, I would take a stroll through the fields in my Barbour jacket and wellies, returning to find my afternoon tea on the veranda, where I would sit and watch the rain from my dry, comfortable chair.

If I Can Dream

I try to stay up-to-date with technological advances, since they seem to be rolling out at exponential speed these days. The more I read about what's just come out, the more I daydream about what's around the corner.

I've recently gotten interested in e-books, but I haven't purchased any. I managed to collect the complete Disney comic work of Carl Barks and Don Rosa in individual PDFs for free online. I still like the option of a hard copy, since I enjoy the experience of holding a book and also am not impressed by the e-readers currently on the market, but when I finally get an iPod Touch I'll start carrying around e-books, since I won't need a separate device to read them. Imagine sitting on the john and having your whole comics collection right there in your pocket! I hope that in the near future, when you buy a hard copy book, you'll receive a unique code to download the book for free in electronic format from the publisher's website. I don't know how they'll protect themselves against piracy, but I don't care either.

While on the subject of e-books, I, like everyone else, have far more printed books than I do e-books, and wish I could have them all in digital format. I dream of an affordable at-home device that can somehow scan an entire book in minutes into color images, which you would run through software to make a searchable PDF. Then, I could have every single book, magazine, comic book, and archived document I own in electronic format, which I would carry on a high-capacity iPod. Last December, Toshiba developed the technology for 128gb flash memory. This means that in the next few months, Apple will likely debut a 128gb iPod Touch. I'll jump on a 128-gig, but I can't honestly say that would be big enough to carry my entire media library right in my pocket. I wish for an iPod Touch with enough memory to hold every single audio track, movie, TV show, video clip, photo, e-book, and e-comic in my possession. Such a device would also have front and rear-facing cameras at least 10 megapixels, and HD video recorder, and be equipped with a battery that can play videos constantly for 16 hours on a single charge. I figure this dream machine would have to have a good 500GB of storage, and is probably 5-10 years away. There do exist devices not made by Apple with 500GB of space, but they have firmware reliability issues, and they're hard-drive based, not flash-based.

It seems that the internet is very gradually replacing cable and broadcast television. Most TV shows can be enjoyed online within days of their original broadcast (except those produced by HBO, who are a bunch of greedy bastards). I dream of a day when major networks simulcast all programming via streaming video, and paid cable TV service will become extinct. I'm already seriously considering getting a quality antenna and cutting off our expensive satellite service, watching cable network programs online.

VOIP has slowly been catching on as a cheaper alternative to cell phones. Skype seems to be the dominant favorite. I don't know if cellular carriers will ever go for this, but I dream of a day when we pay something like $30 or $40 a month for unlimited wireless internet, accessed with the aforementioned iPod, and no phone service and make our calls for free via VOIP. It's sort of already possible but not in the convenient, seamless fashion I dream of.

I also wish for my automobile to make the leap into the 21st century. I'm not sure if this already exists, but I want it equipped with a touchscreen in the dash, to which I could wirelessly connect an iPod or iPhone and use all its functions: phone, music, video, internet, apps, etc. With it I would receive the aforementioned streaming TV programming if I wanted to catch the news. I am aware of FloTV, but I don't want to pay for it. An external keyboard would rise out of the center armrest when needed. If I'm playing a movie and a call comes in, the movie would automatically pause and the caller ID would display in large letters, with answer and ignore buttons. The caller's voice would feed into the stereo speakers. The touchscreen would also function as a backup camera. In addition to the backup camera, however, my dream car would also have a video periscope—a weatherproof camera with night vision and 360-degree swivel controlled by a joystick—which would allow me to scope out traffic conditions in all directions. It would be one of those tiny cameras at the end of a tube, so it would look just like an antenna. I would actually have a separate GPS screen so that I wouldn't have to pause a movie to make sure I'm on the right track. I would also have a scanner & printer installed in the glove compartment, to which I could connect a laptop. Of course this would all be housed in a big black SUV with dark windows and badass accessories such as a brush bar and spotlights.

What else does the future of media and entertainment hold in store? We are already witnessing the slow death of the movie rental store. Perhaps movie theaters will go extinct, replaced by large-screen LCD or plasma TVs in the home on which you would view new releases streaming from the studio's website for a fee. In 10 or 15 years, perhaps Netflix will offer instant streaming of every American and English film and television episode ever released, so no waiting 1 or 2 days for a DVD copy of some obscure indy film. Book stores will fade away as older books become available electronically. Newspapers will also die off slowly, or possibly survive as subscription-based electronic news sources if they offer writers and stories good enough to pay for. As more and more books are digitized, physical libraries may disappear as well, replaced by servers full of electronic content, or perhaps the buildings will remain but their cases of books will be replaced by rows & rows of computer stations (half of them occupied by literate bums). I imagine copyrighted material will be in a read-only, non-downloadable format. This would definitely be convenient—no more college students schlepping to the library at midnight or grade-schoolers making their parents drive them to the library for a mindless school project. I also hope for all the old microfiches to be converted to PDFs. Imagine having access to the entire printed contents of the Library of Congress and the National Archives from your living room!

Political Pontification

I think this is the first time I've engaged in any thoughtful political commentary on this blog that wasn't fueled by a temporarily bitter emotional state. It seems Mr. Obama is attempting to preserve tax relief for "middle class" taxpayers, and in classic Democrat fashion, he plans to stick it to people who earn more than a certain amount—probably $200-$250K.

I've bitched and moaned repeatedly on this blog about rich people and income disparity. I'm constantly in a battle between emotion and rationale on the issue of the obligations of high earners to society. My emotions say $150,000 a year is enough for any one person to live a very comfortable lifestyle, and anyone seeking more than that is a greedy bastard. A company's profits should be distributed among employees who earn less than the $150K maximum, instead of being doled out as bonuses to those who already earn enough. Rationale and logic, however, hold that without the freedom to pursue as much income as possible, businesses wouldn't expand and we'd have worse unemployment problems. No one is going to bust his ass, take risks, and hire more people to build and expand a business if he can't earn more than $150,000 a year.

So, neither the presence nor absence of salary caps is good for society. What's to be done to make things fair for everyone?

My answer: replace the income tax with a national sales tax plus surtaxes on imported goods, as well as stiff taxes on employers who outsource services to foreign countries.

The national sales tax would consist of a few levels of tax rates based on the necessity of the good or service being taxed. For example, groceries, clothing priced less than $100 per item, cars priced less than $30,000, and medical services would be taxed at a lower rate than other not-so-necessary purchases, which would be taxed at a middle rate. A higher rate would be imposed on luxury goods such as expensive cars and jewelry, as well as alcohol, recreational drugs, and tobacco.

That's right, I said recreational drugs. While we're fixing the tax system, let's also do away with the pointless "war on drugs," which has done nothing but waste tax dollars and get people killed. Recreational drugs with little or no medicinal purpose would be taxed, regulated, and restricted to people over 18 years of age.

Imported goods for which there exists a sufficient range of American-made substitutes would be subjected to a surtax, and not just at the consumer level. American manufacturers would pay taxes on components imported from overseas.

Under the structured national sales tax, an individual's tax burden would be based on what he chooses to consume, not what he earns. A high earner could choose to pay thousands more on an $80,000 Mercedes, or he could choose to buy a modest Ford and pay less taxes.

But how would the government support itself, you might ask? We'd have to scale back government, duh! Ending the "war on drugs" would certainly save some serious cash, and taxes on recreational drugs would help fill the coffers. So would shutting down the I.R.S., since we'd no longer have an income tax. While we're at it, the U.S. Department of Education should be done away with, since education should be managed at the state level.

It's another day when time stands still

Some days my office becomes a mystical place where time enters a "no passing" zone. Today is one of those days, so I figured I'd update the ol' blog.

Yesterday afternoon was the afternoon from Hell. It seemed like everyone had waited until the last possible fucking minute to turn in revisions, when they'd had a week to do so. The two key people in charge of one ad decided to take fucking vacation days the two days before the ship date, and then the original ad idea got completely scrapped, requiring a completely new design, which I pulled out of my ass in about 30 minutes. Another person simply forgot to review an ad she commissioned, and I went through 3 revisions on that one. At the last minute The Boss wanted changes to an ad that had been approved 2 weeks ago, but I passed that one on to the freelancer. Like Hell I was going to touch that one again. My brain was fried by 5:30, so I got my fat ass to the gym and did some weights to relieve the tension.

We made another pilgrimage to beloved Wrightsville 2 weekends ago, but our full enjoyment of the weekend was impeded by worrying about the car. Its "check engine" light came on on the ride down, so we pulled into a shop and ran the OBD. Diagnosis: failing oxygen sensors. So we decided to leave early Sunday afternoon just in case the car broke down or something, but it made it home without trouble. I was quoted over $500 to replace the sensors, but thanks to the miracle of the internet, I found the parts for $170 and instructions on how to replace them myself, a fairly simple task consisting of unscrewing four bolts and unplugging the sensors. For 1.5 hours of work I saved well over $300. While waiting for the parts to arrive, I used my mother-in-law's smelly Corolla to get around, which reeked of tobacco and rotten vegetables, had a crust of silt and nicotine on the dashboard and console, and had. I spent 40 minutes vacuuming and getting the stench down from pungent to stale so that I wouldn't arrive at work smelling like I had been smoking a squash.

We finally picked out paint swatches this weekend. Soon our dream of a simulated beach house will become a reality. We picked a cool light blue for the living room and a very light cream for the dining room. We'll probably end up painting the dark wood TV cabinet a light ivory as well, since we can't afford to junk the whole thing and get a flat-panel unit. I would trade our dark recliners for my mother-in-law's sofa and give away our old nasty sleeper sofa, but I don't want to deal with the hassle of moving furniture and having to rent a truck.

I am so ready to retire. Sometimes a flicker of doubt runs through my mind, asking, "wouldn't you get bored doing nothing all day, every day?" That came up this weekend when we had nowhere to go and nothing planned, and sat around the house most of the weekend watching movies. I did start to feel a little bored and restless, but after yesterday's extended period of clock-watching followed by a panicked rush to get all that last-minute shit done, I no longer doubt that I would be much better off retired with millions in lottery winnings. I wouldn't get bored thanks to a custom-designed house which would offer a bounty of entertainments and diversions.

My lottery-winner house would be a miniature resort. Of course it would have the requisite indoor swimming pool for year-round aquatics. It would also have a well-equipped fitness center with ellipticals, treadmills, free weights, and of course Indian clubs, but would look much classier than your typical membership gym. Oriental rugs and potted palms would grace the room, and an elegant beverage bar would have bottled water and protein shakes at the ready. Wicker chairs with sweat-proof cushions would be there to receive my tired ass after a workout. I would install finely appointed changing rooms with showers for my guests, and I would also have a massage room.

A bowling alley would be a must. I'm not sure if it would be fully automated, or if I would have a servant in Punjabi costume roll the ball back and reset the pins. I'd also fit the entertainment wing of the house with a dance club, where we would dance the night away with our friends without overcrowding or being offended by the presence of trashy people. Down a dark hall near the restroom would be a locking chamber with a sturdy daybed, tissues, towels, lubricants, and a basket of prophylactics should drunken guests "get the urge." A British pub-style bar would adjoin the dance club for when the revelers want to take a break in a more quiet spot. Adjacent to the pub would be a spacious oak-paneled billiard room with at least two pool tables and furnished with cushy leather sofas. The entertainment wing would have a large terrace as well, for smoking, taking in the night air, and playing drunken games of cornhole, with plenty of lounge chairs in case guests need a place to pass out for the night. I would probably have various themed dining rooms as well, including French cafe, '50s diner, and opulent Victorian, surrounding a gourmet kitchen, which would be adjacent to a '50s style kitchen with restored vintage appliances. Wi-fi would be available throughout the house.

Most folks love a formal dinner, but I have a greater affinity for breakfasts consumed in splendid surroundings and served in a most elegant fashion. Each morning I would dine in one of many places around the mansion: the breakfast room, which would have large windows flooding the room with the morning sun; the terrace, on a clean white tablecloth with a pot of hot coffee at the ready; or the private balcony in the master suite.

Speaking of master suite, my wife and I would have our own dressing rooms, each with beautiful wooden racks and shelves laden with fine garments, huge mirrors, comfortable chairs, TV set with surround sound, radio, internet access, sound system, and a small beverage bar with a mini fridge and a single-cup coffee maker, should we happen to get thirsty while changing. Hers would have a large dressing table as well. The bathroom would offer a large jacuzzi tub and a huge shower, and a white marble double vanity with plenty of cabinets & drawers to stash our various toiletries out of sight, plus yet another mini fridge for keeping chilled water. The bed chamber would have its own fireplace and sitting area with beverage bar and coffee maker where we could have coffee or juice before breakfast, and of course a big TV with surround sound as well as wireless headphones. At night we would play ocean sounds to lull us to sleep. Adjacent to the bedroom would be a smaller bedroom in case one of us is sick and needs to sleep separately.

Each guest room would have a private bath, private balcony, big TV, and a laptop with wi-fi and printer. Down the hall there would be a sitting area with a fridge full of drinks and snacks for late-night munchies. On weekends when we have guests, I would have a servant head out early in the morning and pick up a copy of USA Today for each guest and quietly shove it under the door. Each nightstand would be stocked with prophylactics should drunken hook-ups occur between guests.

The library would be a spacious room housing all of our books, maps, records, and archives. Guests would sink into big leather chairs with a book or newspaper, or surf the web with the library's laptops. My study would be adjacent. Nearby would be a sort of work room with big tables where we would keep tools for whatever projects we devise. I would also have a small separate room dedicated to wrapping gifts.

No gentleman's house is complete without a theater. Mine would have the largest plasma screen available, surround sound, a vast library of movies & TV shows, and plush leather recliners with cupholders. The theater would have its own lobby just outside, with popcorn, drinks, beer, and snacks for my guests. The restroom would be equipped with its own monitor so that guests wouldn't miss anything. This same library of movies would be available on the server for viewing in the individual guest rooms.

Underneath the house would be a huge garage for my collection of automobiles. I'd try to keep it simple—a few vintage models, including a sedan from the '20s, '30s, '40s, and '50s, a Suburban, an Explorer, a Range Rover, a few black Crown Victorias, a large Mercedes sedan, and a light blue 1989 Volvo 740.

O, how I wish to retire on lottery winnings and live out my days in splendor!

Beach Bum

We spent four glorious days at Wrightsville Beach this past weekend, the longest we've had the luxury of staying. Despite capricious weather conditions, we enjoyed every moment and yearned to stay indefinitely.

We arrived about 10:30 Wednesday night. It rained most of Thursday, but we took that as an opportunity to loaf around in the cool, quiet condo and catch up with True Blood on HBO On Demand. Friday was sunny, so we sat outside all afternoon sweating our asses off in the sun. We consumed a sumptuous meal at 22 North, where you pretty much can't go wrong with the menu. We attempted to go out drinkin' but got bored and sleepy after one drink, giving up and going back at 11:30. Saturday was absolutely perfect—sunny, warm but not stiflingly hot or humid like the day before, with a gentle, cooling breeze, making it feel like May in the Caribbean. After watching Watchmen on HBO, we headed out for drinks shortly after midnight, and managed to have two rounds before getting pizza and going back to the condo, where we ate pizza in bed and watched Reality Bites until 3AM. Sunday morning brought rain, but it cleared up by the time we made our ritualistic pilgrimage to Dockside. We managed to get in a little more beach-sitting until it began to drizzle again, so we decided to get a head-start on packing up. Having gotten that out of the way, we had an early supper at Tower 7 and some Kohl's frozen custard, then mournfully departed at 7:30.

Oh, how we longed to stay there forever! Everything is so relaxed and life is lived at a slower pace down there. We amble along practically everywhere instead of jockeying for position with other motorists. Restaurants and retailers are within easy reach. We can drink til our livers fail and then stagger back to the condo, picking up the state's best pizza on the way. And we think not a moment about jobs or bills; we leave our troubles on the mainland.

One more major part of our beach experience, I have to admit, is the condo itself. The little 3-bedroom efficiency feels like a breath of fresh air—everything is clean, cool, quiet, and full of light. The living room glows in the morning as the ivory-colored walls radiate the rising sun. The huge floor-to-ceiling windows flood the room with sunlight and bring in the sweeping vista of the sapphire sea. The air conditioner blows cold and strong, providing a cool refuge from the blistering Carolina summers. The soft white wall-to-wall carpet feels great on bare feet and dampens noise. The living room furniture is all lightly-colored—yellow chairs, teal sofa, natural wood bookcases—and littered with mementos of the sea. A model sailboat here, an old barometer there, a lamp from a PT-109, a complete set of Time-Life's The Seafarers series, all bring the ocean right into the room. A visitor instantly feels energized and at peace simultaneously as soon as he crosses the threshold.

So of course, this latest extended visit has resurrected my interest in simulating the beach look at our main residence, coinciding with an endowment of funds for my recent birthday from relatives. Ordinarily I would have gone out to Brooks Brothers or purchased other luxury items with the intention of impressing others, but I decided it's more important to make my home, where I spend half my waking hours, a peaceful refuge. I've already procured calm blue striped curtains for the entry hall and guest bedroom, and a natural white cotton slipcover for the drab old sofa is on the way. Painting some of the living room furniture white may be in the near future, and some light curtains are a certainty. We'll wait and see how the cactus-green walls look with the renovated furniture before we decide to repaint. I wish to freshen up the formal dining room as well, but can't really figure out how. New seat covers, maybe, and perhaps a casual tablecloth. The yellow walls could stand a change, being an odd transition between the cool gray & blue entry and the blue & white kitchen. I've got to get one of those antique wall barometers. I'll probably forgo the white plank paneling in the entry hall, since the new curtains seem to have helped tremendously. Perhaps after all this, we'll feel at least some of the same tranquility we do at our favorite place on Earth.